In a Perfect World
by imagleekbitch
Summary: Jacob and Bella get the chance to be together. This takes place during New Moon after Edward leaves and Bella finds out Jacob is a werewolf.
1. Reality Sucks

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight; that's Stephanie Meyers.**

"Jacob…"

Bella whispered my name as she slowly and gracefully walked forward to where I was sitting on a hard-backed chair in a white room. Through her eyes, you could see the desire blazing, and that desire was directed at me.

"Jacob, I need you."

I brought my eyes from her beautiful features and raked them over her body and my mouth dropped open in shock. How had I missed the fact that she was only wearing a white tank top with the shortest black shorts I had ever seen anyone wear? Holy crap, if those shorts were any shorter, I would be having a heart attack…

I suddenly felt my jeans getting a lot tighter.

"Shit," I groaned. I hoped that it was not loud enough for Bella to hear. My hands flew to my crotch as I tried to cover up my bulging erection. This was not good. If Bella saw this, she would surely leave. And I certainly didn't want to give up the indulgence of looking at that perfectly shaped butt hanging out of those unbelievably short black shorts. But instead of being grossed out and running away, Bella let out a quiet giggle and took another step closer to me, which did nothing to help my situation. She wore an uncharacteristic smirk on her face. This was getting _very _strange, _very _quickly.

"Jake." She said my name again in her breathy voice as she lifted one leg and began to straddle my lap. My breathing hitched and my brain functions came to a complete stop as she grabbed my hands, moved them away from my crotch, and looked down, her eyes widening. "Oh, Jacob."

The way she kept saying my name was driving me crazy. And if she didn't stop staring at me the way she was, I was going to explode, right then and there. Bella was gradually leaning ever closer to me. At this point, she was so close that her breasts, only covered by a thin layer of fabric, were inches away from my face. I was desperately trying not to stare, and was instead staring up at the white ceiling.

"Jake, you can look if you like. I want you to look," I was doing everything I could _not _to look, "Please look at me, Jake." Bella was almost begging.

Slowly, my eyes came down from the ceiling, landing on her heaving chest. As soon as I looked, I was hooked. There was no way I was going to be able to take my eyes away unless I was forced.

"Do you like that Jake?" Bella pressed closer and whispered into my ear, sending uncontrollable shivers down my back. The shivers didn't feel anything like they did when I was trying not to phase. These shivers were good shivers… Extremely good.

I couldn't think. My brain was blank. I had no idea what to do, or how to handle this situation. I had never even kissed a girl before, and now the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on was shoving her chest in my face! Before I could even begin to process what was happening, I felt a pair of lips touch my skin just below my right ear. Bella's lips.

I wanted this. I had wanted this for so long. I loved Bella. She was everything in the world that I had ever wished for, and she was kissing me… What did this mean? Did this mean she was over Cullen?

_Oh God, I hope so._

Bella's pink lips began a rigorous path down to my mouth. My whole body was rigid. I didn't want to tell Bella that I had never kissed anyone before, because what if that made her change her mind? And there was also a part of me trying to justify what she was doing. She had spent our entire friendship pushing the fact that we were friends and only friends; that we would never be anything else because she could never get over that stupid, filthy Bloodsucker. So what the hell was she doing attempting to kiss me?

Bella's mouth finally found mine and at that exact moment, any and all worry that I might have had about Bella's intentions flew out of my mind.

_Holy shit. Does it get any better than this? _I honestly didn't think so.

It didn't matter that I had no clue how to kiss; Bella knew exactly what she was doing. Her mouth tasted incredible. It was better than anything I had ever tasted before. I let my lips move with hers. We were just starting to get a rhythm that I thought I was comfortable with when Bella darted her tongue between my surprised lips.

I put both of my hand on her back and pulled her tiny body so close to mine that you couldn't have slipped a piece of paper between us. All doubts about experience were gone. Bella wanted me and, shit, I wanted her more than anything.

The only thing I could hear while Bella and I were intertwined on the chair was two people panting like dogs. Two people that I was surprised to find out were us. I hadn't even known I was capable of making noises like that. And the crazy part was, I wasn't even close to embarrassed. I was finally getting what I wanted.

My erection was begging to be released as she continued to roughly shove her delicious tongue into my accepting mouth. Almost as if reading my thoughts, Bella's hands ran down my bare chest and dipped below the waistband of my jeans.

_Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God._

"Shit, Bella. You don't know how long I've been waiting for --" Bella cut me off by placing a single finger onto my lips. Her chocolate brown eyes bored into mine with the intensity of the sun.

"Shhh, Jake. I do know. Jake, I've been wanting to tell you this for a long time…" I stopped breathing. There was no fucking way she was about to say what I thought she was going to say. "I love you, Jake. I love you so much." Bella pressed her lips urgently back onto mine as I sat there, not even able to move. No way… Absolutely no fucking way…

"Jacob?" Bella came back up just long enough for air.

"Mhm?" That was as much as I could manage. I was still entirely stunned.

"Jacob, I want you to do me a favor."

Bella needed something. I was definitely not in the position to deny her anything she wanted. "I will do anything, Bella. Anything."

The white-hot intensity that was in her eyes before was back and it was burning a whole right through me. "I want you to make love to me."

And then… I woke up. And my heart was broken.

Suddenly real life came crashing over me like a particularly harsh wave knocking out a novice surfer -- only this time the wave was reality and the novice was me. Bella did not really want me. She didn't love me and she probably never would. That damn vampire had made sure of that when he up and left Bella all alone to fend for herself. But she hadn't had to be alone because she had me. I was always there for her. I made her smile. I made her laugh for the first time in months. **I **did all that, and it still wasn't enough.

In a perfect world, Bella would be over that fucking leech. In a perfect world, where vampires didn't exist and werewolves were a thing of fiction, Bella would be mine. She would love me and only me. In a perfect world, my dream would not have been only a dream. I would be able to make love to Bella and she would be in love with me for real, not just in a fantasy. But I didn't live in a perfect world. I lived in a world where assholes like Cullen left girls like Bella to rot. A world where Bella spent her entire life pining away for him in an entirely unhealthy fashion. The way Bella needed him… It just wasn't normal.

I was different. I loved Bella. I knew a good thing when I saw it, and crap, Bella was a good thing. If we really did live in a perfect world, she would realize that she was missing a good thing to…

But we didn't live in a perfect world. Bella had chosen one monster over the other. And she had chosen wrong.

**A/N: **This is my first try at writing fanfiction. To people who decide to read it: First off, thanks! Second, review if you feel the urge, but if not I understand. How often I write does not depend on how many reviews I get, and I know I have definitely been guilty about not reviewing stories I liked... If there is something that I need to improve upon, though, definitely let me know. Thanks, again.


	2. Savior

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Twilight; that's Stephanie Meyers.**

**A/N: **I tried to post this yesterday, but an error wouldn't let me! In this chapter, it is both from Bella's point of view and then Jacob's. This is an important chapter to the story for Bella. Enjoy!

* * *

**BPOV**

I did not want to be here.

I was gripping the steering wheel of my faithful truck so hard that my knuckles had turned even paler than they already were. That made the tear in my chest start to ache and my eyes start to prick.

Mike and Angela were the only reasons I had come. I'd been trying so hard to make up for the zombie phase I'd gone through earlier in the school year that I had agreed when they suggested going to the La Push beach on a day that was supposed be warm and sunny. When I had said yes, I really didn't know what I was agreeing to. My mind had been other places… I'd signed away my weekend without having any clue what I was getting myself into.

Of course, it wouldn't be so bad if Jake was here, with me. This sort of was _his _beach, after all. But I would have felt very awkward and ungrateful to my other friends inviting him. I hadn't hung out with Angela or Mike in such a long time and they really wanted me to be okay; having Jake there just would have diverted my attention away from them.

But being without Jake, on the beach especially, just didn't feel right. I spent every day that I could with him. The place we came the most was the beach. It was _our _spot.

It was weird; Jacob made me feel somewhat whole again. The jagged rip in my chest didn't hurt quite so bad when I was with him. I didn't like to admit it, but I needed Jake. Just how much, I didn't know. But if the way I felt when he'd told me we couldn't be friends, like the miniscule piece of my heart that I still had after… well, after _he _left… had exploded, was any indication, then I needed him _badly. _

Jacob was everything good and right in the world. He was my eternal sunshine. He was my best friend. No, no he wasn't that. He was so much more. Jacob was… I couldn't even describe it to myself. He was everything to me. But he couldn't be the everything that he wanted himself to be… Could he?

Ugh, it sounded stupid and confusing even to me!! Well, I wasn't going to let the fact that I was missing Jacob ruin my friend's day, even if it was ruining mine.

"Hey Angela, wait up!" I hopped out of my truck and slammed the door, seeing Angela up ahead.

She turned around to see who had called her, and a smile lit up her face. "Bella! I didn't think you were going to make it!"

_Am I really that unreliable? _

"But I'm so glad that you did." Her smile was so big and she really did look happy to see me.

I couldn't exactly say that I was glad I had come, but this day wasn't about making me happy. "I'm really glad I came too, Angela."

"Do you know the new guy at school? What was his name?" She bit down on her lip and tapped her foot. "Blake? Blaine? It's something like that, right?"

I only vaguely knew who she was talking about. I didn't really get involved in school past what I had to.

"I think it's Gavin, actually." I was pretty sure I was right. Apparently Angela thought so too, because she smacked her hand over her forehead.

"That's it. Well he just got here with Lauren. Do you think that they're together? He kind of looks like Ed… I mean, he looks familiar."

Angela looked upset and bit down on her lip again, like she wasn't quite sure what to do. I wasn't sure what to do either. She hadn't even said his name and I still felt the horrible throbbing. My chest was burning like it was on fire. It hurt. But I couldn't let that ruin the day.

_Come on Bella, you're good at faking._

And I was. I was a class A actress when it came to putting up a front. I was the master at making myself seem more at ease than I really was. So I did what I was best at.

"Yeah, maybe they are together…" My smile was probably nothing more than a painful grimace, but really, that was the best that I could do right now. If anything, Angela seemed to notice that it was probably a good time to change the direction of the conversation.

"Umm… Well, uh, I think that I saw some of those Quileute boys on the beach earlier as well… You know some of them, don't you?"

Quileute. Jacob. If Jacob was here, that would make the pain go away, if only for a little while.

"I do. Where did you see them?" Just hearing about Jake was making the pain subside. Here I was, proving to myself how much I really did need him.

"Somewhere over by the cliffs. They looked like they were about to jump off." She bit her lip for the third time, looking worried. "You don't think they would really be that stupid, do you?"

This made me laugh. I had once thought the exact same thing, when Jacob and I had seen Sam Uley and the rest of the gang throwing themselves off of the cliff. Come to find out it was just a 'recreational sport'.

"Actually, Angela, they are." Her mouth dropped open and she looked horrified. This was too funny. "But it's not really dangerous. It's called cliff diving. The boys do it for fun around here." Far from easing her worries, Angela seemed to look more terrified at the prospect of people hurling themselves off cliffs into the ocean. She was searching for something to say.

"But… But… Well, doesn't it, I don't know… hurt?"

"I have no clue. But Jacob said he would take me one of these days. I'll be sure to let you know." Angela, who had never _once _looked at me like I was crazy when I actually _was _crazy, was staring at me like an escaped mental patient. This cracked me up again, and she couldn't quite figure out what I was laughing about.

"You know what, Ang? Why don't we go find Ben and Mike?" Talking about Jake had helped clear my head. It was a rare occurrence to laugh when he wasn't around. I wasn't sure if this counted though, because the _reason _I had laughed was because of Jake. Either way, I felt better.

I think Angela decided that I was, indeed, insane, but at least she lost the look of unbelievable concern, which I was glad about. I didn't want any awkward questions from the guys.

"Okay, let's go, Bella"

* * *

In the ten minutes that Angela and I walked the beach looking for the two guys, rain clouds started to move in. It was so typically Forks. But a little rain wasn't enough to drive away the group of teenagers who had been itching to spend a day on the beach. The storm didn't even look like it would be that bad.

Mike certainly was happy to see me. It made me anxious. I remembered the night, it seemed like a long time ago, when we had gone to the movies. That night had not been good. Jake had been there, pushing to see how far past the boundaries he could get, like he always did. It made matters so much worse having Mike there, who was also interested in me in a way I would never be able to reciprocate.

So when Mike ran up and gave me a hug, I did all that I could to make it as platonic as it really was.

"Hey, Bella! I wasn't sure if you were really going to show up."

_Wow. Obviously I _am_ unreliable._

Ben had already taken Angela's hand and was kissing her cheek. I felt incredibly out of place. All the reassurance I had gained by thinking about Jake was gone much too quickly.

Mike's smile took up his whole face as he looked at me, which made me feel even more awkward. I sincerely hoped that Mike didn't expect this to be some kind of 'double date' thing.

"I figured coming to the beach couldn't be all that bad," I answered back to Mike. "I'm kinda hoping the rain decides it doesn't want to fall though." Mike, Angela and Ben laughed at that.

"I'm pretty sure we all are, Bella." Ben looked up at the sky and frowned. Then he looked at Angela. He was using a look that I knew was specially reserved for her. I knew because once, too long ago, I had been looked at that way… I felt like an intruder watching Ben and Angela. They were so happy, so in love, just as I had once been… I couldn't keep watching this. It was making the burning in my chest come back.

Plus, I didn't want to stay around staring at a couple who clearly wanted some along time. "Mike, do you want to go for a walk?" He was like a dog that perked up when called by an over-loving master. It would have been hilarious if it hadn't made me so very uncomfortable.

"That sounds like fun." He said awfully enthusiastically. If it was possible, his smile had gotten even larger. I really didn't want to be alone with him, but I couldn't be around Angela and Ben without invading their privacy and feeling crappy. I was beginning to regret my decision to come to La Push at all.

"Where do you want to walk to, Bella?" He was over-eager. This was not going to work.

Unless…

Sudden inspiration came to me.

"Let's walk towards where the cliffs are." Mike looked at me expectantly, as if awaiting an explanation as to why I wanted to walk there. "It's just that it's really pretty over there, you know?"

I wasn't sure if it was a good enough reason, but obviously it was for Mike. He just smiled, said okay, and set off in the direction I wanted to go.

I wanted to get there fast. Seeing Jake would make this whole stupid trip bearable. I knew that Mike wouldn't necessarily like seeing Jake after the movie incident, but I couldn't bring myself to care that much. Too many things were threatening to make the rips a little bit bigger and I really needed my Jacob to make that go away. I was being selfish, but so what? I was rarely _ever _selfish.

I was almost running to get closer to the thing that would make me better.

As we drew closer to our destination, I could see several people from school goofing around, some starting to head back where we had come from, others going into the water. The person who caught my eye looked like she was going back to the cars, and she did not look happy.

Lauren Mallory was stomping across the sand with the sourest look on her face. She looked like someone had killed her cat. Let's just say, I would hate to be the next person to get in her way.

Mike was the one to notice what her problem was.

"Well look at that, New Guy seems to have dumped the Queen Bee already. _That_ sure didn'ttake long." He was pointing at a guy leaning up against a tree, chewing gum and attempting to break a stick off of the tree in question. Without even seeing him close up, I could tell that he was oozing out superficial coolness.

Mike and I walked a bit closer. With every step, my body was screeching, telling me to run away. Because Angela was right. He did look like…

"Edward." I said in a strangled whisper. It wasn't loud enough for Mike to hear, but it was enough to rip my heart to shreds.

Of course, he didn't _really _look like Edward. No one could look like Edward. Edward was perfect and glorious and… gone. But he did have shaggy bronze hair and angled features. He even dressed sort of like Edward used to.

The floodgates had broken. Now that I had said his name once, I couldn't stop thinking it. Edward, Edward, Edward. It hurt every time it flashed into my head, but I couldn't help it, especially not with the casual reminder standing against a tree like nothing was wrong.

Mike seemed to notice that something wasn't okay because he asked me if anything was wrong. I wasn't even able to answer. What would I say?

_No, nothing at all, I was just thinking about the love of my life that left me here in Forks, alone. But I'm _totally _okay with it! _No, that would not work.

_Yes Mike. Everything is wrong. From being at this beach to seeing a cheap imitation of Edward to not having the one thing that can help. _That more fully encompassed the problem. But if I said that, Mike really would think I was certifiably insane. Which, come to think about it, I probably was at this point.

My arms instinctively wrapped around my chest as I darted my eyes around trying to find something, anything, to focus on other than what I did not want to see.

"Bella, seriously, you don't look so good."

"I don't… feel very good… Do you think maybe you could go get Angela? And just… let me sit down here…" I was having trouble breathing.

He looked reluctant to go. But I really just wanted to be alone and besides, I wasn't sure how much more I could move without falling apart completely.

Hesitantly, he agreed to go and find Angela.

"Thanks, Mike," I said, my voice hardly above a whisper. I sat down on a large, flat boulder and tightened my arms even more.

_Nobody should ever have to go through this pain. _

Tears began to leak out of my eyes, and sobs erupted from my chest.

_It will be as if I never existed. _

_Well if this was him not existing, then I guess there is no hope for me. _

I cried, huddled up in a ball, until I heard a familiar voice call out to me. My head instantly shot up searching for the voice. It was the voice of an Angel, the voice of hope.

"Bella, what in the world is wrong with you?"

_Jacob. _

_Oh, my Jacob. What would I ever do without you?_

Jake was running, almost too fast, over to my side. He sat and put one long arm around my shoulders, pulling me in tight to his extremely warm chest.

"Bella, Honey, whatever it is, it's okay now. Nothing can hurt you while I'm around. That's a promise."

Jake was telling the absolute truth. He was the only person who could stop the bad things from happening. He was the antidote to the poison that had run through my veins since Edward left.

He brought his other arm around and hugged me, pressing his cheek to the top of my head. I wasn't ready to talk yet and Jacob seemed to realize that. We just sat there, Jake running his hands up and down the lengths of my upper arms, me snuggling my head into his chest and crying until I had no more tears to cry. I was thankful that he was so incredibly warm. The storm that was brewing was starting to make it chilly outside.

For probably ten minutes, I sat in Jake's arms, reveling in the splendid heat, forgetting all of my problems, and feeling my wounds knit back together.

It was so strange. Jacob really did fix _everything_. All he had to do was hold me.

* * *

**JPOV**

Something was wrong with Bella and I had to do something to fix it. If I didn't then it would be the end of me. That was the thing about being in love with someone. When they hurt, so did you.

Her tears were falling down my chest and disappearing almost immediately because of the heat. All I could do was rub her arms and pull her in closer to me. Every so often, once her crying began to stop, I would hear her whisper "Jacob?" and I would hurry to reassure her that I was still there, that I wasn't going anywhere.

Damn Cullen to Hell for ever leaving her. Don't get me wrong, I was ecstatic that he was gone, but I didn't want anything to make Bella feel like this. Seeing her in pain was just… too much.

After about ten minutes, I started to feel rain drops. I couldn't risk Bella getting sick.

"Bells? Do you think you'll be okay if I carry you to your truck? I don't want you to get all wet." I felt her nod her head against my chest in confirmation so I got up and started jogging in the direction that the other teenagers were running for cover in.

"Ja…cob? Her voice sounded horrible because of all the crying. I silently damned the parasite for the second time.

"Yeah? Are you okay?" I said anxiously. She looked a lot better than she did when I'd found her, but that wasn't saying much. Bella was always beautiful, no matter what. She had just taken a rough turn when _it _had left her.

"I'm fine, really. I just wanted to say thanks, Jake. You truly have no idea how much you mean to me." She snuggled her head into my neck and closed her eyes.

Was it true? Did I really not have any idea how much I meant to her? Did this mean that I was more than just a friend to her, because that was what I had always thought we were. No, I was over analyzing everything she said, just like always. It probably didn't mean anything…

I didn't care if we were just friends or not, though, because right now, I was holding Isabella Swan, and I was the luckiest guy on the planet.

* * *

**A/N: **Hope you liked it! I will get to posting the next chapter as soon as I can.


	3. An Unexpected Decision

**A/N: **I know, I know! It's taken me FOREVER to post this! I've been incredibly busy. Please forgive me?

I want to thank all the lovely people who have reviewed my story so far and I also want to thank the wonderful AlasterNacht for making my story fantastic!

I hope you enjoy the new chapter! :)

* * *

**BPOV**

I woke up in Jake's house, on Jake's bed, lying next to -- you guessed it -- Jake. I wasn't quite sure how I'd gotten here; the last thing I remembered was Jake carrying me to my truck. I must have fallen asleep on the way here.

I let out a contented sigh and laid my head back down on the pillow facing Jake. I loved watching Jake while he was asleep. He just looked so peaceful, like nothing in the world was bothering him. I knew that being a werewolf was not something that he wanted, and while he was asleep, that couldn't touch him.

I lied to Jacob once when I told him that he was sort of beautiful. How could I have been so wrong? Jacob wasn't _sort of_ anything. He was absolutely and completely… perfect.

Jacob was an exquisitely made creature. His shirtless torso was muscled beyond perfection. I often found myself fighting down the urge to run my hands over it -- I was sure that wouldn't have been considered something that only a friend would do and I tried so hard to keep things completely platonic between us. But Jake had ways of making that very hard on me. Like constantly running around without a shirt on.

Letting my eyes roam freely over Jacob's face, I picked out some of my favorite features. His eyes, I decided, were very close to the top of the list. The eyes that were warm and happy when looking at me. The eyes that didn't seem to find any flaws with my broken being. The eyes that silently picked up on so much. Jacob knew me better than anyone else without me ever having to tell him anything. He just _knew._ Jake was special in that way. Intuitive, observant, and accepting were three words that came to mind when I thought about his eyes.

Next I picked his ears. In my head, I asked myself if that was weird, but I found that I didn't really care much. Jacob's ears were nice ones. I mean, they just looked like regular ears, though quite a bit larger than most. But it was what those ears _did _that was special. They listened to me. Jacob heard beyond what I said and found the meaning deep down within the words that were coming out of my mouth. He knew how to tell if I was angry, upset, sad, excited, or hurt. Kind, receptive, and… Dumbo.I smiled and laughed out loud at the connection that my brain made. Those are the best three words in the world to describe my Jacob's ears.

It became a game, me picking out my favorite parts of Jacob and thinking of the first three words to pop into my head about them. Strong, protective, and caring went to his arms. His hands got large, agile, and healing. His bellybutton was dubbed small, round, and mysterious. I finally brought my eyes back up to his face. His black hair fell across his flawlessly brown skin, almost reaching his eyes. I made to move it away but then drew my hand back. I didn't want to disturb the masterpiece lying beside me.

I stared for seconds, minutes, hours, I didn't know and I didn't care. These rare moments of peace were what I made myself live for. Jake's integrity radiated from his face while he slept, making me smile. I let my mind wander again over my favorite parts until one errant thought jerked my entire train of thought to a halt.

Jake, why do I love you so much?

Love? Sure, I loved Jake. He was my best friend. But my thought hadn't been suggesting the love of a friend.

What did that mean? A Freudian slip? No, it was nothing like that. Because I didn't love Jake.

It was that sort of talk that confused both me and Jake and it needed to stop. Because I _didn't_ love Jacob… Did I?

I just sighed and shook my head. No, of course I didn't love Jacob. It was impossible. I was incapable of loving anyone anymore. I was helpless, damaged goods. I was just so overwhelmed by the security I felt. Yes, that makes more sense. I was hurt and couldn't love anyone. Especially not Jake, who deserved so much more than anything I had to give.

Sighing again, I closed my eyes, not allowing myself to think about the L word anymore.

I was starting to fall into unconsciousness when Jake started mumbling something. It wasn't very clear, so I just ignored it the best I could. It took me a couple seconds to acknowledge that he wasn't getting any quieter. My eyes fluttered open and I sat up, ready to smack him on the arm and pretend to go to sleep before he could catch me. Until I saw his face, that is.

He looked terrible; not like the sweet, peaceful Jacob who was sleeping next to me earlier. This Jacob was agitated. I didn't like this Jacob.

It made me so sad to see my Jacob like this. I would have done anything to make him better, but what was there to do? He must have been having a really horrible nightmare. I placed one small hand on his shoulder; I knew all about what those things did to you.

Jacob spoke again. I leaned in close to his lips so I could try and decipher what he said.

"Cullen… Why Cullen…" It was barely audible, but the three words rang out in my ears like a whistle.

Any thought of getting sleep quickly left my mind and I jerked my hand away from Jake's overheated skin.

Cullen.

Edward.

Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen and all his distractions.

Edward Cullen who no longer wanted Bella Swan.

Oh God, Jake, why couldn't you just keep your big, sleeping mouth shut? I felt the tears coming and I was confused. I wanted to know what Jacob had meant. 'Why Cullen…' Why Cullen, _what? _

To go from being content to distraught was one of the worst feelings in the world. I felt my skin catch on fire and I knew I was once again back in my own personal Hell.

My eyes stung as I clenched my fists and bit my lip to keep myself from crying. I could not cry for Edward Cullen. Hadn't I cried enough? What had he done to deserve my tears? I _would_ not cry for Edward. I was done with crying.

Oh, if only I could stick by my words…

The tears came despite my attempt to keep them away. My body was shaking so bad that I was afraid I would wake Jake up by moving the bed. As quietly as I could, I got out of the bed and snuck out of his room. I was extremely glad that Billy wasn't home.

I sat on Jake's couch for the better part of half an hour while he slept. I could feel the pain from my chest radiating all over my body until I was engulfed in hurt. And it was like waves kept crashing over me any time it started to subside. I couldn't think of anything besides the pain. It was insatiable, burning at my flesh with an unfixable hunger.

It seemed ridiculous that this had started over some new kid. I didn't even know him! But it seemed to be more than that. There had been an ethereal grace surrounding him. It was almost like I had felt the palpable difference of him. And he had looked so much like… him. Too much.

I grabbed at my chest; the fire was making another round, attacking me, inside and out. I didn't want this anymore. I just couldn't take it. Pretty soon it was going to destroy me. I wasn't a very religious person, but I chose that moment to start praying.

_Please God, do anything to make it stop._

"Bella?"

I didn't say anything, but I silently thanked whoever was up there listening.

Without looking up I felt Jacob's presence on the couch next to me. Instinctively I knew I would always feel his presence when I needed him. He was mine, all mine. I reached out my hand and searched for his hand. I needed something to hold on to; something to keep me afloat. When I couldn't find his, he found mine and we sat there holding onto each other. I realized that I would be quite content to sit here forever holding Jacob's warm hand.

I closed my eyes. The tears weren't quite done with me yet. The sobs died down, but the tears continued sliding down my face.

Why was Jake this good to me? I was nothing but horrible to him. I led him on, but he still was always there to comfort me.

Without warning, I felt a longing to be everything Jacob needed. I wanted to love him and give him the same comfort that came so readily from him to me. I _needed _to be that person for him! My heart throbbed because I just didn't know if I was capable of that, no matter how badly I wanted it. After all, if I had already given all of myself to someone, what more was there to give?

I had to let him know that. "Jake, oh Jake, I'm so sorry." I started shaking again, making it hard for me to catch my breath. I felt his arms snake around me and I tried to pull away; I wasn't worthy of his hugs. Each time I tugged away, he tightened his grip.

"Shhh, it's okay. There's nothing to be sorry about," Jake's voice was so soothing, I almost gave up trying to get away. But his denial that I had nothing to apologize over sent me over the edge. I started writhing trying to get away from him, away from his heat that was starting to smother me.

"Jake, please let me go. Let me GO!" I started hitting him and crying and trembling and wishing that he would just let me go, and really hoping that he wouldn't.

He grabbed hold of the tops of both of my arms and whipped me around to face him, my swollen face inches from his. The intensity of his gaze was unexpected and made me flinch. I almost looked away, but something wouldn't let me.

"You are being ridiculous Bella. Stop squirming already."

I did. The authority in his voice was too much to shake off.

Jake let go of my arms and my body crumpled. He was gentle this time, gathering me up in his muscled arms and laying my head on his shoulder. "Bella, what am I going to do with you? Every time I think you're getting better, you go and torture yourself over him. I don't know why you do it. You're so much better than that, Bella! Don't you know… Don't you ever wonder…" His face scrunched up and I could tell he didn't know how to phrase what he really wanted to say. It was silent for a few minutes in his frustration, except for the occasional sob that escaped from my chest.

His soft voice was a complete contrast to his face. He looked like what he was saying hurt him.

"Bells, I would be so good to you." He looked into my eyes once more. "You know that I would. I would love you so much better than the blood-… Edward ever could."

_Oh, Jake, I know._

"I would never leave you, even for one minute."

_Please don't._

"I would never let you feel lonely or abandoned."

_I am never lonely with you._

"Bella, please just give me the chance to show you."

_Jake, I believe you but I just need you to shut up please. _

"I want to show you."

_Really Jake… Shut up. _

"One chance… That's all I need."

My brain was starting to scream. I needed him to stop talking. I couldn't take it. It was like his words were attacking my brain. He was so good. So good…

"Bella…" He took a deep breath and let it all out before continuing, "Bella, I love –"All at once, a chain reaction of events happened. A part of me snapped and I knew couldn't let him finish his sentence or my head would explode. I had to do something to shut him up and my brain wasn't working on coming up with a plan to make that happen. So my instincts took over.

How do you make someone be quiet? You cover their mouth.

What was closest to his face that I could use to cover his?

_My _mouth.

I pressed my lips to his moving ones.

Yes Jake, that's right.

Shut.

Up.

Peace.

And.

Quiet.

Jake froze as soon as our mouths made contact. I didn't even know what I was doing. Wasn't kissing him the exact opposite of what I wanted to do with Jake? How would this make him believe that I was only his friend?

_Maybe you aren't._

My brain wasn't helping. I didn't know what to do. I was horrified and happy at the same time. More horrified. But, I had to admit, kissing Jake wasn't all that bad.

Jake's lips were so different than Edward's had been. Soft, warm. It was so nice. A jolt of electricity shot through my body. I felt… bad. Mischievous. Sinful. And it felt so incredibly good to be bad.

I couldn't help but laugh. I'd been trying to find a way to feel good since Edward left - motorcycles only went so far - and the whole time it was right there beside me. My mouth became detached from Jake's as laughter roared through my body. It sped through my veins and I felt like I was floating. When was the last time I had felt like this?

"Um, Bella? Are you, uh, okay? I could – uh -" Silly Jacob. So flustered and lost. Didn't he know the way to make me feel better was to kiss me?

I didn't wait to figure out if he did know or not. I knew I would probably regret this later, but I felt good right now and I didn't want to lose this. I deservedto feel good, damn it!

When our lips met, Jake didn't seem quite as surprised as the first time. His questioning lips moved slowly against mine, testing out new territory. I tried to open our mouths, wanting more than the chasteness I was accustomed to getting.

I was _going_ to get more.

I kept pressing. Soon, he opened his mouth wide enough for his breath to stream into mine. I could tell the exact moment he began to loosen up. He sighed and brought his hands up to my hair.

_There we go Jake, that wasn't hard._

I flicked my tongue out of my mouth into his, and felt him tense up again. This was taking too long. I wasn't getting what I needed. I needed to feel his tongue on mine. I craved the feel of his hands on my body. I wanted him to give in.

I was so annoyed when I felt him pull away.

He sounded out of breath, even though we had barely done anything, "Bella, are you sure? You don't think this is moving too fast? I don't want to go and mess everything up."

_That's _what this innocent act was about? He was afraid I didn't really want to kiss him? Hah! How entirely wrong he was.

"Jake, I'm positive," I breathed into his mouth.

Jake looked at my mouth. He brought one of his hands to my face, running his thumb across my lips. He put his other hand on my back, pulling my roughly into him and shocking me. I could see his face transform from unsure to hungry.

"God, you have no idea."

His face was a foot away from mine. Not close enough.

"I wasn't lying when I said I was going to be good to you."

Inches.

"I just need to ask you one thing before I kiss you, Bella…"

Centimeters.

"Pinch me, please."

* * *

**A/N: **So… How did you like it?


End file.
